MILF Island

I’m gonna get right to the point. I’ve got some more mom info for you. And before you get your hopes up, no, I’m not telling you my mom’s name. Why would I give you that kind of ammo? Instead, today I’m going to answer the age-old question, what do you do if your mom is a MILF? If you’re a guy, I imagine you spend your time fending off jokes about your mom’s MILF-ness from your straight dude and lesbian friends. But if you’re a girl, it’s a little trickier. When people call attention to the fact that your mom’s a MILF, it is not necessarily to make fun of you, but it nonetheless puts you in the position where your level of attractiveness is being directly compared to that of your mom. And this can be awkward.

In the interest of full disclosure, let me just say: yes, my mom, is a MILF.

Here’s how having a MILF mom can go down. Sitch #1: Your mom is super hot, and has been her entire life. You have matching bleached blond hair and tans and exchange work-out tips. You call each other to discuss Grey’s Anatomy episodes after they air, or, if you live close enough, you watch them together. In essence, you are a carbon copy of your MILF mom. This does not put your friends in an awkward position, because they already know you are hot. Their response to seeing your mom is something along the lines of, “Whoa, you look exactly like your mom! No wonder you are so hot!” Or the always trite, “You two could be sisters!” (undoubtedly said for the benefit of the mom, because come on, Goldie Hawn and Kate Hudson look exactly alike but no one thinks it’s Goldie sucking my will to live when Kate appears onscreen next to Matthew McConaughey in what is undoubtedly another awful decision in her short film career already littered with awful decisions).

Matching hot mom-and-daughter sets don’t need advice. You created yourself in Mom’s image, you live with the repercussions.

Sitch #2: Your mom is super hot and always has been, and as a result you go the polar opposite. You either look like your dad (which is not always unfortunate, but sometimes can be – ahem, Rumor Willis), or your mom’s overly perky super-commitment to diet and exercise has made you bitter and closed off. Or, you may be a combination of the two – part rebelling against mom, part inescapable dad-genetics (Meghan McCain, I’m looking at you. P.S. Maybe you should take that rebellion and turn it into being a Democrat). Thus, when friends comment on your mom’s MILF-ness, you tend to get angry. You go through everything wrong she ever did, from childhood to the perky email she sent you this morning with a link to her new workout regimen. You hate that your mom is a MILF and you will silently hold a grudge against any friend who speaks too enthusiastically about how attractive your mom is.

Sitch #3: You left for college and your mom inexplicably became a MILF. She’s gone from pleasant looking, pretty woman in mom jeans to MILF. So now, at age 20, you have to adjust to your mom being a MILF for the first time ever. At the same time, you kind of look like your mom and aren’t unattractive, but she still beats you in hotness. Here’s how the conversation goes with friends when you are in sitch #3:

Friend: Dude! Your mom is a MILF! I’m texting Joe!
You: Yeah, what a surprise, huh? I bet you never would’ve guessed.
Friend (looks up from text): Oh, I mean, I didn’t mean it was surprising. I mean you guys kinda look alike. I – you are like, her DILF, I mean, not that I want to, cus we’re friends and that’s – and D stands for daughter by the way, not dog or dad or -
You: (sigh)

Here’s what you should do if you’re in sitch #2 or 3. When someone says, “Dude! Your mom is totally a MILF!” you have a couple of options. If your mom is married, quickly think of the reasons why her husband (who may or may not be your dad) is not appealing sexually. If she isn’t married, quickly invent a tale that will make your friend feel bad. It will go something like this:

“C’mon Jane. You’re usually a pretty good friend. But my mom is biologically unable to have children, so I was conceived in a lab in Stockholm with the sperm of Sweden’s only famous race car driver, Ansgar Nilsson (fake name is crucial here, as it makes you seem more believable). Every year we participate in his fundraiser that simultaneously donates money to AIDS victims in Africa and funds the art scene in Eugene, Oregon. Our family really tries to focus on things more important than whose mom you’d like to engage in coital relations with.”

OR

“Oh, Tom. You are a nice, capable young man. You have a good job, nice teeth, and a Blackberry. And my mom is married to my dad. He is middle-aged, has a beer gut, and only wears collared shirts with sports insignias across the pocket. He puts ketchup on his steak and then the ketchup gets stuck in his mustache. He actually thinks he can alter the outcome of sporting events simply by screaming at the TV. But she’d still rather fuck him than you.”