MILF Island

I’m gonna get right to the point. I’ve got some more mom info for you. And before you get your hopes up, no, I’m not telling you my mom’s name. Why would I give you that kind of ammo? Instead, today I’m going to answer the age-old question, what do you do if your mom is a MILF? If you’re a guy, I imagine you spend your time fending off jokes about your mom’s MILF-ness from your straight dude and lesbian friends. But if you’re a girl, it’s a little trickier. When people call attention to the fact that your mom’s a MILF, it is not necessarily to make fun of you, but it nonetheless puts you in the position where your level of attractiveness is being directly compared to that of your mom. And this can be awkward.

In the interest of full disclosure, let me just say: yes, my mom, is a MILF.

Here’s how having a MILF mom can go down. Sitch #1: Your mom is super hot, and has been her entire life. You have matching bleached blond hair and tans and exchange work-out tips. You call each other to discuss Grey’s Anatomy episodes after they air, or, if you live close enough, you watch them together. In essence, you are a carbon copy of your MILF mom. This does not put your friends in an awkward position, because they already know you are hot. Their response to seeing your mom is something along the lines of, “Whoa, you look exactly like your mom! No wonder you are so hot!” Or the always trite, “You two could be sisters!” (undoubtedly said for the benefit of the mom, because come on, Goldie Hawn and Kate Hudson look exactly alike but no one thinks it’s Goldie sucking my will to live when Kate appears onscreen next to Matthew McConaughey in what is undoubtedly another awful decision in her short film career already littered with awful decisions).

Matching hot mom-and-daughter sets don’t need advice. You created yourself in Mom’s image, you live with the repercussions.

Sitch #2: Your mom is super hot and always has been, and as a result you go the polar opposite. You either look like your dad (which is not always unfortunate, but sometimes can be – ahem, Rumor Willis), or your mom’s overly perky super-commitment to diet and exercise has made you bitter and closed off. Or, you may be a combination of the two – part rebelling against mom, part inescapable dad-genetics (Meghan McCain, I’m looking at you. P.S. Maybe you should take that rebellion and turn it into being a Democrat). Thus, when friends comment on your mom’s MILF-ness, you tend to get angry. You go through everything wrong she ever did, from childhood to the perky email she sent you this morning with a link to her new workout regimen. You hate that your mom is a MILF and you will silently hold a grudge against any friend who speaks too enthusiastically about how attractive your mom is.

Sitch #3: You left for college and your mom inexplicably became a MILF. She’s gone from pleasant looking, pretty woman in mom jeans to MILF. So now, at age 20, you have to adjust to your mom being a MILF for the first time ever. At the same time, you kind of look like your mom and aren’t unattractive, but she still beats you in hotness. Here’s how the conversation goes with friends when you are in sitch #3:

Friend: Dude! Your mom is a MILF! I’m texting Joe!
You: Yeah, what a surprise, huh? I bet you never would’ve guessed.
Friend (looks up from text): Oh, I mean, I didn’t mean it was surprising. I mean you guys kinda look alike. I – you are like, her DILF, I mean, not that I want to, cus we’re friends and that’s – and D stands for daughter by the way, not dog or dad or -
You: (sigh)

Here’s what you should do if you’re in sitch #2 or 3. When someone says, “Dude! Your mom is totally a MILF!” you have a couple of options. If your mom is married, quickly think of the reasons why her husband (who may or may not be your dad) is not appealing sexually. If she isn’t married, quickly invent a tale that will make your friend feel bad. It will go something like this:

“C’mon Jane. You’re usually a pretty good friend. But my mom is biologically unable to have children, so I was conceived in a lab in Stockholm with the sperm of Sweden’s only famous race car driver, Ansgar Nilsson (fake name is crucial here, as it makes you seem more believable). Every year we participate in his fundraiser that simultaneously donates money to AIDS victims in Africa and funds the art scene in Eugene, Oregon. Our family really tries to focus on things more important than whose mom you’d like to engage in coital relations with.”

OR

“Oh, Tom. You are a nice, capable young man. You have a good job, nice teeth, and a Blackberry. And my mom is married to my dad. He is middle-aged, has a beer gut, and only wears collared shirts with sports insignias across the pocket. He puts ketchup on his steak and then the ketchup gets stuck in his mustache. He actually thinks he can alter the outcome of sporting events simply by screaming at the TV. But she’d still rather fuck him than you.”

Things That Should Never Happen: Tweeting your Twat

This Friday morning series is dedicated to people, events, objects and animals that Lindsay and Allison believe should not exist.

Ann, a dear friend of Lindsay and Allison, told us about a friend of her's (on facebook and real life) who recently decided to over communicate about her uterine cave. Enjoy (click on each image for a better view).

What’s a Hayden Panettiere Anyway?

So here’s the deal. We’re none of us getting any younger. If you’re anything like Allison and me, you have a very busy life trying to pretend that you’re not the average 9-5er. You pretend this even though you and most of your friends work 9-5 business casual office jobs. The exception to this is your friends who are graduate students who will eventually work 11-3, with full summers off and month-long vacations in the winter, and who love to bitch about how underappreciated they are for their research on masculine anxiety in the works of gay northeastern Irish-descended American writers from Vermont. In an attempt to NOT be a boring working professional, you do interesting things in your off time, like drink whiskey and watch art movies, drink wine and go to art shows, drink PBR and watch your friend DJ at that hipster joint and sort of dance without really committing to it, or drink martinis and watch Mad Men. You know how it is.

With all this hip drinking taking up your free time, you might soon realize that your finger has slipped off the mainstream pop culture pulse, thus leaving you as out of touch as the aforementioned graduate students. So once you realize that this has happened, how can you remedy the situation? This is where Allison and I can help you out. I know you have your local music venue email you whenever cool new shows are in town, and that you know when Jazz in the Sculpture Garden is. I'm sure you're invited weekly to all kinds of awesome events. But the last big pop culture phenomenon you got in on was Harry Potter, and that started when you were 15. This means you have lost touch with mainstream pop culture (note #1: If you have read Twilight, this post does not apply to you). Here's how we can help.

Fact: all celebrities born between 1987 and 1993 have ridiculous names. Most of these names contain an overabundance of -ay, -eigh, -ai, etc. It is your job to mock these names by comparing them to whatever inanimate object or event they sort of sound like.

Here's how to put this strategy into play. Let me teach by example. One day I was chatting away with someone and they said, “What do you think of this Hayden Panettiere?” while gesturing toward the TV. Note #2: I had to look up how to spell that girl’s name just now. And then I spelled it wrong anyway, so I corrected it. But it was STILL WRONG. It took me three tries to spell her name right. This is not helping her case for fame at all.

I had absolutely no idea who or what a Hayden Panettiere was. I’m still not sure I do. Obviously, from the context of the conversation, I could tell that it was the girl onscreen in the Clearasil commercial, but that girl looked exactly like every other girl who has ever been in a Clearasil ad. Ever. So why was she famous? Was she even born in the same decade as me? (answer: yes, but barely). How do you not look like a hopeless, resigned-from-life middle management square in this situation? And why does your friend, who is the same age as you and maintains a similar lifestyle, know who she is?

Even though it is embarrassing to like pop culture as a hip 9-5er (exception: Kelly Clarkson, who is awesome and is loved by hip 9-5ers nationwide), you still need to know about it, so you can make fun of it when the time comes. This is easier when the famous person was not born from 1987-1993, because then you have a chance of identifying them by name. You will not get lost in a sea of vowel sounds. Example: Someone says to you, “Did you hear about Jon of Jon & Kate’s new fling?” You have never watched the show Jon & Kate Plus 8 because it is undoubtedly awful, but you know what it is for moments just like these. The appropriate response is: “I totally did, and you know who told me? Pamela!” (because that is Jon Gosselin’s MOM’S NAME! If you didn’t know Jon’s mom’s name you could simply substitute it with your friend’s mom’s name). Your friend might not get it but you get very high invisible points for obscurity and execution. Also, what are you doing being friends with someone who follows Jon & Kate? But back to those celebrities born during the late 80's/early 90's nadir. Their names are neither Jon nor Kate. How do you handle them with wit and grace?

Back to the question: what do I think of Hayden Panettiere? The commercial is winding down. I have no way to look up Hayden Panettiere’s mom’s name (note #3: It’s Lesley, for future reference). Also, since I have only heard this young actress’s name one time, I’m not even sure I could correctly repeat it.

And so I retort, “Hayden Pantene-what? Is she a scone? Is she a combination shampoo-conditioner? Is this some new invention from Starbucks in which you save time by eating breakfast and washing your hair at the same time?” And this really works as a double-joke on both Starbucks and Hayden Panetierre, because hip 9-5ers don’t go to Starbucks since it’s too corporate and they probably do have some kind of scone-shampoo combo that comes with a small latte for $2.95.

My friend laughs and we spend 20 minutes talking about how we hate the names Aiden, Jayden, Braydon, Payton, Caylee, Ashley, Miley, and Chase (sorry if that’s your name, but you really should know how I feel about it).

Much like subtly learning people’s mom’s names, associating famous pop acts with everyday items is an endless source of comedy.

* Jonas Brothers: a coffee that comes to you with a certificate of its purity.
* Taylor Swift: Chuck Taylor brand of running shoes.
* Kellan Lutz: I refuse to acknowledge that this is a person. Maybe this is a bag of potato chips. Maybe.
* Blake Lively, Leighton Meester, Penn Badgley: a horse that once won the Kentucky Derby, a social networking site that admits that it’s all about “Me,” some sort of sew-able badge you get for penmanship for your sash in Girl Scouts. In the 1950s.

[Author’s note: In researching how to spell Hayden Panettiere’s name, I came across the fact that her ex-boyfriend’s name is Milo Ventimiglia. It's too bad they broke up, because he is the venti-caffeinated-beverage to her scone. He may also be a cat on an adventure with a dog.]

Advice without the "Advice"

Listen. It’s 2009. Today it’s all about constant communication. Our social lives depend on multitasking: working, texting, sending personal emails during office hours, going to happy hours, discussing how the show Weeds makes no sense anymore and continues to unravel like a bad lifetime movie, and still making it home in time for a good rub and/or tug with your significant other or significant battery powered device. If you’re anything like Lindsay and me, you know how burdensome it is to be a beacon of hope in most people’s lives. And if you’re not, you are probably tired of all your friends using you for your wise words and proverbs to get them through their boring day to day woes.

Today we would like to help you give quality advice to your friends and still maintain your busy over-communicative lifestyle.

It’s Monday morning. You are at your desk. Your boss comes in right as you sit down and says something like “I need to you make me 500 copies of this worthless report, and you need to create a project excel sheet by lunch.”

As you are about to change your G chat status to “Ugh my boss makes me wanna poop on her keyboard,” you see that your friend from middle school just sent you the funniest e card from someecards.com: “Sorry we haven't kept in touch twat. But I really never liked you. Love, Suzie from 3rd grade.”

Feeling nostalgic, you check your facebook account only to see that your parents have joined facebook! Then, you check your cell phone and see that someone invited you to a trivia happy hour! As you feel the popular juices take over your serotonin levels, your mind begins to enter into sensory overload.

A few seconds later a blinking message pops on your screen. It’s from your friend Laura. “Hey, are you busy?”

“No..what’s up” you reply, even though you are very, very busy.

“Ugh it’s just that I really don’t know what to do about Gary. I want him to like me but he hasn’t called, and I think I’m itchy…down there. Why does this always happen to me?!”

You are now in a bind, my friend. You might as well switch your ‘to do’ list with Hillary Clinton's. In one day, you have to:

1. Update your status to showcase how awkward and completely insane it is that your parents have joined a social networking site designed for tweens and overcompensating young professionals AND go through all your facebook photos and take down the ones where you are sucking a beer bong like you sucked your mom's teet (tit).

2. Find an equally witty ‘someecard’ to send to your old friend that makes you look more ‘evolved’ than you were when you were 9.

3. Brush up on your “80’s movie” knowledge for trivia night.

4. Begin to compose actual work for your boss, and then tell him/her your Microsoft application is malfunctioning and you have to take the afternoon off.

As this list showcases, you have zero time to make your friend feel better about her random PBR hook up and potential venereal diseases.

There is only one line that is 100% guaranteed to diffuse a situation like this so you can get back to being the most popular consultant in the dc/metro area.

“You know Laura…”

“You just gotta make it do what it does”

This approach is highly effective. It lets your friend take control of the conversation, yet it gives you all the credit for any positive outcome. The sentence is extremely repetitive, and punctuated with a lighthearted “gotta” in the predicate. It is casual enough to make light of the situation, yet also disguises itself as something deeper.

Your friend will reply “What? What does that mean?”

This next part is crucial. To achieve the quote’s full effectiveness, you will need to provoke your friend and inflate her ego at the same time:

“Laura you graduated suma cum laude, you really can’t figure it out?”

(long pause.)

Laura: “Ohhhhh. You mean I should learn to love myself, rather than let my hook ups define me???”

You: "and?"

Laura: “get tested?”

You: “There ya go. Laura you’re beautiful. Get back to work.”

Now you can get back to feverishly nursing your personal life like a new born fetus, while maintaining the status of a sage. Use this tactic when necessary and live a satisfying, healthy, numinous life.

(This post inspired by friend, John Clemons)

LoL@your mom

Picture this. You’re at a party. You have three to five good friends there, and they in turn have a few of their own friends who you’ve only met a few times. Maybe you haven’t met some of them at all. You’re all lounging around, drinking, and making conversation. You want to make a lasting impression. You want to be That Guy/Girl who everyone later tells all their friends was so great, intelligent, hilarious, and witty. But let’s face it. You are boring. You like the same things as everyone else. No one cares that you love The Wire or that your dog is really cute. Because you’re with a bunch of young professionals, and they all own The Wire on DVD, and their dog is named Omar Little, so you will probably just get one-upped. What’s a person to do?

This is where Lindsay & Allison can help you. Who are we? A duo of hilarious people. Don’t just ask our friends – ask randoms who have run into us at parties. We really make an impression. And how do we do it? There are several secrets we possess, but today we’ll reveal just one.

Our recommendation for instant party success is a well-placed your mom joke. Now, don’t let the triteness or juvenility of this fool you. We’re not talking about your typical your-mom joke. Keep in mind: no one’s mom is so fat, so poor, so stupid, or so ugly. These are not the kind of your-mom jokes you want. You will offend someone. You will be that jackass at the party who said John’s mom is soooo fat, etc., and now nobody likes you. You are that weird jerk who told a middle school joke.

Instead, work it in subtly. Wait until one of your friends you know starts to mention something really awesome that they love. Here is a sample conversation:

Friend: You know what’s awesome?
Other people: No, what?
Friend: The new Wes Anderson movie. It is so funny but touching. And it’s not at all like his other movies.

Ok, your friend is about to bore everyone by explaining the Wes Anderson movie which is undoubtedly exactly like all other Wes Anderson movies. You really want to stop this friend before he or she starts to explain how the scene with the slow motion and awesome 1970s rock song was the best in the whole movie. So what do you do to both stop your friend and make yourself look better?
You say: You know who else likes that movie? [pause] Debbie.

And why do you say Debbie? Because that’s your friend’s mom’s name! Now granted, this is a slow-laugh builder, not a well-timed witty remark that will garner you a raucous laugh. Wait for your friend to do a double-take while he or she places their mom’s name into the conversation. Debbie? the friend thinks to him or herself. But that’s my mom’s name. I’m pretty sure my mom doesn’t even know who Wes Ander – wait a minute! It’s a your-mom joke!

Your friend will now start laughing. A few other friends who also know your friend’s mom’s name might also start laughing. Then, the people who don’t know it will begin to look around uncomfortably. “What’s so funny?” one will sheepishly ask. “Who is Debbie?” They imagine it to be a mutual friend that no one actually likes.

Your friend will wipe away a tear and say, “Debbie is my mom.”

The outsider friends will laugh a little, but they will still feel like they don’t get it. But you have successfully won the day, my friend. Because you got your friend to admit that Debbie is his or her mom. And the joke is funny because we’re not actually making fun of Debbie at all, no, it’s just that no one has expected someone’s mom to be hilariously worked into the conversation. Genius.

Now it’s time to practice. Subtly learn all your friends’ mom’s names. Don’t let on that you’ve learned them. Try to pick them up by asking generic family-related questions about vacations, childhood memories, and so on. One day you will find yourself in the aforementioned scenario, and when that day comes, and you are confident that you have the right mom’s name on the tip of your tongue, let it fly.

[Note: Be forewarned that you could embarrass yourself if you incorrectly reproduce the mom’s name. It has happened to Lindsay before, but not to Allison.]