So here’s the deal. We’re none of us getting any younger. If you’re anything like Allison and me, you have a very busy life trying to pretend that you’re not the average 9-5er. You pretend this even though you and most of your friends work 9-5 business casual office jobs. The exception to this is your friends who are graduate students who will eventually work 11-3, with full summers off and month-long vacations in the winter, and who love to bitch about how underappreciated they are for their research on masculine anxiety in the works of gay northeastern Irish-descended American writers from Vermont. In an attempt to NOT be a boring working professional, you do interesting things in your off time, like drink whiskey and watch art movies, drink wine and go to art shows, drink PBR and watch your friend DJ at that hipster joint and sort of dance without really committing to it, or drink martinis and watch Mad Men. You know how it is.
With all this hip drinking taking up your free time, you might soon realize that your finger has slipped off the mainstream pop culture pulse, thus leaving you as out of touch as the aforementioned graduate students. So once you realize that this has happened, how can you remedy the situation? This is where Allison and I can help you out. I know you have your local music venue email you whenever cool new shows are in town, and that you know when Jazz in the Sculpture Garden is. I'm sure you're invited weekly to all kinds of awesome events. But the last big pop culture phenomenon you got in on was Harry Potter, and that started when you were 15. This means you have lost touch with mainstream pop culture (note #1: If you have read Twilight, this post does not apply to you). Here's how we can help.
Fact: all celebrities born between 1987 and 1993 have ridiculous names. Most of these names contain an overabundance of -ay, -eigh, -ai, etc. It is your job to mock these names by comparing them to whatever inanimate object or event they sort of sound like.
Here's how to put this strategy into play. Let me teach by example. One day I was chatting away with someone and they said, “What do you think of this Hayden Panettiere?” while gesturing toward the TV. Note #2: I had to look up how to spell that girl’s name just now. And then I spelled it wrong anyway, so I corrected it. But it was STILL WRONG. It took me three tries to spell her name right. This is not helping her case for fame at all.
I had absolutely no idea who or what a Hayden Panettiere was. I’m still not sure I do. Obviously, from the context of the conversation, I could tell that it was the girl onscreen in the Clearasil commercial, but that girl looked exactly like every other girl who has ever been in a Clearasil ad. Ever. So why was she famous? Was she even born in the same decade as me? (answer: yes, but barely). How do you not look like a hopeless, resigned-from-life middle management square in this situation? And why does your friend, who is the same age as you and maintains a similar lifestyle, know who she is?
Even though it is embarrassing to like pop culture as a hip 9-5er (exception: Kelly Clarkson, who is awesome and is loved by hip 9-5ers nationwide), you still need to know about it, so you can make fun of it when the time comes. This is easier when the famous person was not born from 1987-1993, because then you have a chance of identifying them by name. You will not get lost in a sea of vowel sounds. Example: Someone says to you, “Did you hear about Jon of Jon & Kate’s new fling?” You have never watched the show Jon & Kate Plus 8 because it is undoubtedly awful, but you know what it is for moments just like these. The appropriate response is: “I totally did, and you know who told me? Pamela!” (because that is Jon Gosselin’s MOM’S NAME! If you didn’t know Jon’s mom’s name you could simply substitute it with your friend’s mom’s name). Your friend might not get it but you get very high invisible points for obscurity and execution. Also, what are you doing being friends with someone who follows Jon & Kate? But back to those celebrities born during the late 80's/early 90's nadir. Their names are neither Jon nor Kate. How do you handle them with wit and grace?
Back to the question: what do I think of Hayden Panettiere? The commercial is winding down. I have no way to look up Hayden Panettiere’s mom’s name (note #3: It’s Lesley, for future reference). Also, since I have only heard this young actress’s name one time, I’m not even sure I could correctly repeat it.
And so I retort, “Hayden Pantene-what? Is she a scone? Is she a combination shampoo-conditioner? Is this some new invention from Starbucks in which you save time by eating breakfast and washing your hair at the same time?” And this really works as a double-joke on both Starbucks and Hayden Panetierre, because hip 9-5ers don’t go to Starbucks since it’s too corporate and they probably do have some kind of scone-shampoo combo that comes with a small latte for $2.95.
My friend laughs and we spend 20 minutes talking about how we hate the names Aiden, Jayden, Braydon, Payton, Caylee, Ashley, Miley, and Chase (sorry if that’s your name, but you really should know how I feel about it).
Much like subtly learning people’s mom’s names, associating famous pop acts with everyday items is an endless source of comedy.
* Jonas Brothers: a coffee that comes to you with a certificate of its purity.
* Taylor Swift: Chuck Taylor brand of running shoes.
* Kellan Lutz: I refuse to acknowledge that this is a person. Maybe this is a bag of potato chips. Maybe.
* Blake Lively, Leighton Meester, Penn Badgley: a horse that once won the Kentucky Derby, a social networking site that admits that it’s all about “Me,” some sort of sew-able badge you get for penmanship for your sash in Girl Scouts. In the 1950s.
[Author’s note: In researching how to spell Hayden Panettiere’s name, I came across the fact that her ex-boyfriend’s name is Milo Ventimiglia. It's too bad they broke up, because he is the venti-caffeinated-beverage to her scone. He may also be a cat on an adventure with a dog.]
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