Don't Let the Cunts Bring You Down

I don't know about you, but sometimes, I have "Vietnam war-esque" flashbacks about middle school. I'll be in my office, in a tailored H&M skirt, and images of a chubby pale redhead with glasses, braces and cystic acne will pop into my head. Other images will assert themselves into my brain, like when Naomi Fields stole my lunch, and Taylor Horowitz laughed at me with her friends because I always had food stains near my crotch. Before I know it, I'm crying and murmuring Crosby Stills Nash and Young quotes to my adult professional self : "Don't let the past remind us of what we are not now...Allison," and checking my skirt for hot sauce stains.

You would think that a woman in her mid 20's-early 30's would tuck away her cunt self for greener pastures of human decency. Unfortunately, these female middle school bullies do not go away, they just resurface in our adult lives. Some of them take on form of the secretary, who always comments on what everyone is wearing:

“Did you see Sarah’s skirt? I really don’t know why that slut works here.”

Or the coworker who always seems to trick you into a racially offensive conversation

“Hey Allison have you ever been to Jamaica?”

“Um No”

“Yeah, there are way too many beggars there who love Bob Marley.”

Or that condescending acquaintance who always needs to give a compliment/insult duo:

“Oh you’re applying to business school? That’s great. I could never do that, not enough intellectual stimulation for me!”

Whatever the form, these cunts are everywhere, testing our spirits and trying to assert their weak offending agendas on to our daily lives. Yes, yes we can all have a laugh with our therapists and write these women off as insecure, or scoff at their need to constantly reassure themselves, but that doesn't always numb the slight sting that triggers the playground flashbacks.

If we truly cared about every snide remark some cunt says about us; about what some cunt says to temporarily feed her ego, we would become unable to focus on ruling this male dominated world. So what can we do to immediately diffuse an undesirable cunty situation?

Here’s where Lindsay and I come in.

Let’s say you are at a bar and some cunt goes out of her way to make you feel uncomfortable. You walk in and instantly see her judgmental eyes squinting as she tries to formulate some unnecessary, uncultured remark. Then, like a small bomb that nobody cares about, the words ooze out of her mouth:

“Oh you ordered cheese fries and a shot of Hennessey? I would never put that stuff in my body.”

At this point, there’s only five words you can say to end the negativity, and go on loving life.

Take a deep breath, make eye contact, and state:

"I can see your mustache. "

This play on gender boundaries will catch any woman off guard (even if they love their mustache), and hopefully emphasize the absurd nature of the interaction. As she looks at you, perplexed, simply walk away and enjoy your night knowing you ended an unnecessary negative moment without digging too deep.