On Not Bringing SexyBack

Hey friends. Halloween is almost here, and if you’re anything like Allison and me, you have dropped the ball yet again on securing an awesome costume in advance. Gone are the dreams of working out every day and eating only carrots so that you can be an “ironic” Rachel Zoe. You’re stuck with your regular body, a limited budget, and no ideas. So what’s

Unknown person as Meg Griffin,
Halloween 2006.

a gal to do?

There’s a common misconception – it has been passed down through the ages, and even immortalized in dialogue from Mean Girls – that girls have to be slutty and/or sexy for Halloween. What, you’re going to be the Virgin Mary? Well you have to be a SLUTTY Virgin Mary (duh, no one believes that Immaculate Conception story anyway). C’mon, the Virgin Mary was poor, I’m sure her clothes barely covered her body. You should really just glue pieces of hay to your nipples and carry around a baby doll (a sexy baby doll, if possible). Or, if you’re going as something that doesn’t seem to lend itself to sexiness easily, such as a fast food icon like Wendy – put a sign on your back pointing to your braids that says “Handlebars,” and go around vaguely offering to give people frosties. People will obviously not think your costume is creative or that you’re clever/witty/intelligent unless your boobs are bustin’ and you’ve managed to concoct a short-skirt-stripper boots version of whatever your character’s real outfit is supposed to be.

So ladies – Allison and I are here to provide you with a simple yet astonishing fact. You do not have to dress like a slut to have a good Halloween. Besides, you will probably get sick from the combination of strolling around scantily dressed and making out with the dude who is dressed like a pimp (and is convinced he’s the first white guy to think of this), keeps talking about how funny The Hangover was, and undoubtedly has gonorrhea.

But how will you compensate for the good feeling you ordinarily get by showing an extra inch of thigh, or getting groped in line for the bathroom because you are so totally hot? Simple answer: figure out a pop culture icon that is beloved by all educated, middle class 20-somethings, who also does not rely on sexiness, and execute it perfectly. Then, use that character’s general wittiness to make disparaging comments about all the “desperate” sexy vampires and slutty Ronald McDonalds. For the year 2009, your top choices are:

1) Liz Lemon. All this requires is fake glasses, a stain on a flannel shirt, and a bowlegged walk. Then to insult sexily dressed females, whisper in a tough voice, “How’s your mom’s pill addiction?” [Sidenote: This costume might be becoming over-popular. Good alternate – Sue Sylvester from Glee. You can wear a track suit and shout nonstop about not having a uterus and how you’re going to vomit down’s people’s backs.]
2) Hillary Clinton. Just treat all the other women as if they’re Sarah Palin. And wear pants. Plus if you really want to you can always grab a Barack Obama-costumed person as a conversation partner, and then you can increase the troop levels in Afghanistan together.
3) Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta. I know what you’re thinking – Kim’s tits are everywhere! She wears a blond wig and tons of make up! Yes, it’s true that Kim dresses like a girl in a slutty Halloween costume every day of her life, but that does not mean she is actually sexy. In fact, she is the polar opposite of sexy. Dressing like Kim will probably repulse a lot of people from you, but it will also give you the opportunity to scream the lyrics to Tardy 4 the Party all the time, and make claims that people choked you. You can also hang out with the dude dressed like Lindsay Lohan’s daddy. But beware: if you start some shit, someone’s gonna pull that wig off.

And here’s the final kicker with non-sexy Halloween costumes. Not only do you get free license to make fun of everyone AND remain comfortable all night, if you want to, you can still have sex with that dude who keeps talking about The Hangover. It’s just that easy.